So, for the last few months I’ve found an undescribed emotion lurking about; flashing to and fro from the corners of my eye until last night when I realized I could identify it: Living small. What, you ask? You see, for most of my adult life I had the fortune, audacity, or the outright ambition to achieve or obtain what I wished for. Everything it seemed fell before me as I lived my rhythmic life. The consequences, however were rather Faustian, and it’s taken the better part of ten years to retrieve my soul and get comfortable with it again. In doing so, I then had to not give it away. Last year, 2017, was an extraordinary time of life. This year seems to be moving along in a similar dream like fashion, and in restating my conclusion, I can now firmly state that I am getting better at living small. Fame and fortune turned to depression and loss of connections to the moments of life I relished. Once I gave it all away, cried for help, and found myself, I was able to smile and live life in my rhythm again but for different reasons. The empathy was back. The long-term goals of holding onto love and relationships followed a purposeful period of loneliness – which I hated, but needed – and now living small allows me to keep boundaried and concentrated. Kinda like a fine wine with a long finish. You know my drill: Walk to the studio, walk to the stores, give up on any material wants and desires, talk to and enjoy friends, write what I live and for my community, volunteer as often as humanly possible, take care of my 140 year-old home, and live for the day kids and grandkids need me. Living small with out expected accolades and the ego of fame makes that all possible. Forty-two years of wanting to make a difference on the big stage of life was a long battle and I have the scars to prove it. But it’s okay to be done with that. It’s okay to move on and work in a different world of community, a smaller one. Writing these thoughts and reading the words provides a smile and a seal of understanding for me. The wrestling match isn’t over and I  hope one of my works makes the New York TImes Bestseller List, but I will be in a much more candid frame of mind to handle that adversity, and yes, I do mean adversity because of the cognitive dissonance it will create in my brain. Living small works. At least for me.