It takes an awful lot of courage to admit you are a part of domestic violence, especially when you are a male victim, but if you remain in the relationship for whatever reason, you become a part of that domestic violence. In a recent article published by Jenna Birch, the question is posed to the masses: Why don’t we hear about men as victims in domestic violence situations? Ms. Birch writes a spot-on article about the guilt, the fear, the total disorientation, and the total denial one lives through while a part of such a relationship. Having lived this in my most recent past relationship, I can admit to feeling and behaving in every way she describes. What I also can attest to is that no domestic violence facility I called or visited wanted anything to do with me. They were very cordial, for the most part, although one center questioned my honesty and actually indicated I was “probably” the abuser and was looking for my “abused spouse” – they hung up the phone. But no facility offered services to me when the literature and the statistics are showing quite literally in some locales, it’s a 50-50 deal. Because I was married to this individual, it was different from just being boyfriend-girlfriend. Quite literally, I felt stuck for various reasons including my own personal punishment thinking this is what I deserved. To make matters worse, I was a professional in the field of mental health and addictions and often discussed this topic around the country, but I was a frog in cold water being boiled to death in a pot as the fire raged underneath. My situation was exacerbated even more by realizing my partner was a borderline personality, and my supposition as a clinical professional that I could be the hero and make it all better. No. First, I remembered what I taught: No one deserves violence. Second, after many a deserved scolding by friends and family (especially my children), and after my life was forever effected due to my reactions and passivity, I up and cleaned out my stuff, filed for divorce and never looked back. Did I suffer? Yes. Did I feel free and relieved? Yes. But all was not a panacea. Domestic violence takes a heavy toll. Eight years into my recovery I have found peace, tranquility, and found insight into the choices I made. Are there regrets for some of those choices? Yes, but I had to forgive myself first and foremost, then I had to learn how to balance life and my own personality to avoid those devious situations. You see, every day I make choices not to wander back into a life that led me into that domestic situation – even if it means less career hoopla, less money, less grandiose living – and I relish a new quieter, more simple life realizing what is important and what is a priority. There are times I can tell I’m slipping, but if you surround yourself with real people, real peace, and truly understand just how unimportant you need to be to survive in a consumer driven money powered society, you do find solace in the simple. Being an author makes that a challenging statement, since I need to be in the limelight and I need people to purchase my books, but my own view of being of that mindset has changed. I am now mindful of moments; mindful of the people I may have an effect on; and loyal to those who trust and appreciate me for who I am. I also had to get out of the victim role. It became a convenient excuse for everything that may be wrong with me, when in reality, it was I who placed myself in situations that perpetuated my feeling of being the victim. My first novel, Super PAC Strikethrough, was a catharsis and was written purposefully from a panic/borderline mindset (an insight I’ve never divulged). The crescendo ending describes my getting to freedom outside the abuse (another insight I’ve never divulged). My entire life had become abusive and in turn so did I – while I never became physical in return, I had become SELF abusive. The only thing missing in the public discussion, purposeful I’m sure, is the biggest reason there is no help for male victims: There’s no funding. If there were streams of money attached to assessment, referral and treatment, I believe there would be ample opportunity for men if, and it’s a very big if, the man can admit to his situation and get over the shame and guilt. I have never written about my experience so judiciously and so honestly, but I figured during Domestic Violence Month, maybe it was time. I feel that good about my recovery, so now maybe I can help others. If you’d like to read more about the road to my recovery, try tomspoetry.com. I welcome your comments, and to those in my community, thank you for the support and wonderful environment you provide.